Please, take my wife.

I met Tess and Daniel on Feeld. Tess was gorgeous and curvy, with short-cropped brown hair and a radiant smile. Daniel was tall with shorter brown hair and swimmer’s body. They had been married a few years and were fairly experienced in the swinging lifestyle. In fact, the night we matched, they were headed to a local swingers club. They invited me along if I could find a girl to bring (club rules). Since it was so last minute, I told them I’d have to take a raincheck.

The following week, Tess and I texted back and forth, flirting and exchanging photos. We decided to make plans for the three of us to meet up. Unfortunately they couldn’t host at their place because of their nosy neighbors. But as luck would have it, my roommates were out of town for Christmas break. This would be one of the few times I’d be able to host a threesome.

The day after this story, Sara and I texted back and forth for hours, reminiscing about the details of the previous night. The kissing, the orgasms, the spanks, and of course, the errant facial. It was their very first time playing in a group situation, and they were beaming about how much fun it had been for them. As we chatted, Sara and I discussed fantasies and scenarios for future hangouts.

Sara: I kind of fantasize about having you back over for a more low key night to watch a movie with us, and I can start touching you both on the couch then go back and forth going down on both of you.

I didn’t know it immediately, but in Sara’s mind, the future meant that very night. Evidently she wanted an encore, and I was all too happy to return to the stage.

Craigslist casual encounters have become sort of an inside joke over the years.

Isn’t that how people get stabbed?

Until recently, I’d never met anyone from the site. But I figured if someone can find the Declaration of Independence at a garage sale, surely there must be some attractive people on there, right?

One Saturday night, bored and horny, I decided to browse the listings. A quick search of the F4M section confirmed my initial suspicion. Every post was either a hooker, bot, or catfish. Figuring attractive single women would opt for a dating app over Craigslist, I switched to the MF4M section. After browsing a few ads in the Los Angeles area, I came across one that seemed promising.

The couple was seeking a single male to join them. The boyfriend enjoyed watching men with his girlfriend but also wanted someone comfortable enough to allow him to participate.

Finally a job I’m qualified for.

The only photo attached to the post was of the girlfriend on elbows and knees, in a hot pink bikini, face obscured by wavy, blonde hair. I did a quick reverse image search to make sure the photo hadn’t been stolen from another site. No hits. Good sign.

Last summer, I came across a post on Reddit by a couple seeking a single male for a threesome. They were in their mid-20s and without any experience with group play. Having played with experienced others during a previous relationship, I understood all the feelings flowing at once: excitement, anticipation, and total anxiety. Since I was in their exact shoes just a few prior, I felt it my stately duty to volunteer as their sexual sherpa and guide them up menage mountain.

The next day, I received a reply back with an invitation to message them on kik (the intermediate step just before exchanging phone numbers). A prudent move considering one can never be sure who may be on the other end. Best to dig a digital moat in case things go south. When I shot them a message on kik, they introduced themselves as Sara and Kevin.

At this point, I still hadn’t seen a photo of either. This can be especially problematic if there’s no physical attraction after a promising back and forth. Although the end game is an orgasm, if I wanted to orgasm without regard for the other person, I’d take my chances at the local glory hole.

A few months back I matched with a couple on Feeld (aka 3nder until they got sued by Tinder for coming up with an awesome spin-off name). The app, as you might have guessed, is essentially Tinder for couples and singles seeking group sex. In a previous relationship, my girlfriend and I had a couples profile. We opted for a free trial of the paid version, which allowed us to see who swiped yes already. In less than a day, there were literally one thousand single men who had.

Competition is fierce for single men in the swinging world. And having been on the other side as a couple, I’ve seen guys who look like they belong on the cover of Men’s Fitness. The reverse, however, is also true. There are plenty of people who should be content that one person wants to fuck them, let alone two.

And though it may now be more accepted than it once was, swinging is still a very niche community. Which means there aren’t many fish in the proverbial sea. On Tinder, I could spend ten days swiping through potential matches. With Feeld, it’s about ten minutes. The term “unicorn” is used by couples to define the elusive bisexual, single woman. Likewise, I’ve begun calling hot couples looking for single males “black swans.” Sure they exist, but not with any sort of regularity.

A short time ago, I was in London for the New Year and realized exactly how feels to be a single woman meeting a strange man on a dating app. The fear, the anxiety, the sinking I’ll be sold at an auction like Liam Neeson’s daughter in Taken.

How much money would I fetch?

I’ve got to be at least above average, right?

Oh god, what if I’m picked last?

Guys typically don’t feel the nerves same way women do.

This night, like times before, started with a Tinder match. I sat on my bed aimlessly swiping right to find a cute girl with a British accent. My friends and I were staying in a rather nice hotel, not because we could afford it, but because our Air BnB had been such an awful experience. The company put us up across the street for free. Since it was a day before New Year’s Eve, there weren’t any other viable (or cheaper) alternatives. Our shitty luck had turned into good fortune.

My phone dinged with an alert of a new match. She was a cute blonde named Anna. We quickly made small talk and determined we were both only visiting for the holiday. And it turned out she was four blocks away, staying in a rather nice hotel herself.

The subtext was clear: neither of us were seeking anything long-term.